I Will Study and Prepare Myself

While I appreciate the idea of someone loving me enough to defend me, I think there is very little use in justifying ourselves to people who don't care to listen.

In my years I have learned one very important thing: you can't tell someone to love or hate something. They will decide on their own, based on their God-given senses, what is to their liking and what isn't. Also, there isn't a single thing in this world that has the entire world's approval.

I am not out to get anyone's approval. I am out to be the best person God has intended me to be. I want to fulfill His plans and maximise the abilities He has given me. I know I have been blessed with so much. I want to always be aware of that...for in gratitude, there is holiness.

I don't want to look back on this moment 20 years from now and realize that I had everything I needed to succeed...but just squandered what I had with excuses. If I am to never succeed, let it be with the knowledge that I did everything I possibly could.

I have a phrase that I keep reminding myself with; something that Abraham Lincoln once said. I will study and prepare myself, and someday my chance will come. The chance comes for every single one of us...the question is, will we be prepared when it does? I want to be. Therefore, I will not waste time making comparisons, badmouthing, complaining or justifying my current circumstances.

If people want to think I am ugly, poor or talentless, I say let them. I know for a fact that I am none of these things so I do not need to convince them otherwise. I know in my heart what I have to do to improve myself and that is all I will do, and I will do all this quietly and diligently. There is no need to shout about anything. People have eyes to see and ears to hear.

I believe one day, my chance will come. I believe because I was made the flowergirl.

Masih tertinggal bayanganmu yang telah membekas di relung hatiku
Hujan tanpa henti seolah pertanda
cinta tak di sini lagi kau telah berpaling

Biarkan aku menjaga perasaan ini
Menjaga segenap cinta yang telah kau beri
Engkau pergi, aku takkan pergi
Kau menjauh, aku takkan jauh
Sebenarnya diriku masih mengharapkanmu

Masih adakah cahaya rindumu yang dulu selalu cerminkan hatimu
Aku takkan bisa menghapus dirimu meskipun ku lihat kau kini di seberang sana

Andai akhirnya kau tak juga kembali aku tetap sendiri menjaga hati
Sejujurnya aku masih mengharapkanmu

Kau boleh acuhkan diriku
Dan anggap ku tak ada
Tapi takkan merubah perasaanku kepadamu

Ku yakin pasti suatu saat semua 'kan terjadi
Kau 'kan mencintaiku dan tak akan pernah melepasku

Aku mau mendampingi dirimu
Aku mau cintai kekuranganmu
Selalu bersedia bahagiakanmu
Apapun terjadi
Ku janjikan aku ada

Kau boleh jauhi diriku
Namun ku percaya kau 'kan mencintaiku
Dan tak akan pernah melepasku

Aku mau mendampingi dirimu
Aku mau cintai kekuranganmu
Aku yang rela terluka untuk masa lalu

Made For Me

He borrowed these words...and they broke my heart.

menatap indahnya senyuman di wajahmu
membuat ku terdiam dan terpaku
mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah
saat kau peluk mesra tubuhku

banyak kata
yang tak mampu ku ungkapkan
kepada dirimu

aku ingin engkau slalu
hadir dan temani aku
di setiap langkah
yang meyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku
sepanjang hidupku

meski waktu akan mampu
memanggil seluruh ragaku
ku ingin kau tahu
ku slalu milikmu
yang mencintaimu
sepanjang hidupku

To quote Lauryn Hill

And, from the night can arrive the sweet dawn.

One of my favourite lines from "Lost Ones" from "Miseducation of Lauryn Hill".

I'm trying to not let the hormones do the talking. I should just shut up with the knowledge that it is the first day of my period and I will just sound really emo. But who cares. It's my blog and I have the right to be emo.

Not only am I emo, I'm also feeling horny. Exquisite combination.

I think I'm also becoming narcissistic. But is that new? Cuz I recall being vain all my life and heard the same thing coming from my sisters. I'm a girl. Girls are programmed to want to care about how they look so as to attract members of the opposite sex. We all know men are visual creatures. That's just the way God made it. Therefore I will not feel guilty about being vain even if I hear it from the fiance. Then again, there's the part where my career depends on me being narcissistic. How messed-up is that? Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I should stop being overly-analytical.

So here I am feeling guilty, sad and horny all at once. I'm wondering how many hours more I have to be awake so that I can burn off the two bowls of chocolate fondue I just had. On second thought, I think I'll just go to sleep.

My face
Do I own a single piece of it?
Let me claim just two.

I Am A Fiancé

Everything aside, I had a very happy birthday last week. Put simply, it was the best moment of my life.

A recent chain of events has made me feel as though I was living in some soap opera.

Dear God, grant me the wisdom to handle this situation. Forgive me for this sin.

Give Me a Willing Heart, O God

Sometimes I wish I could tell everyone, "No matter what everyone says, just be quiet and do your own work."

No matter what, God is in control of everything. No matter how hard or how little we try, He is.

No matter what people say, only His say will matter in the end. It doesn't really matter what people say. It doesn't at all.

There are a lot of people in this world that other people deem as successful. But very few are worthy of respect. The ones I respect are those who just minded their own business, never spoke bad of anyone, and did their job to the best of their ability.

I wish I could tell people, if you took all the energy you are wasting on worrying what others think and convincing yourself that it was never you fault and blaming everyone but yourself, and used it to quietly and faithfully work, you would have finished building your ark.

Sometimes, it's best to just sit ourselves down and acknowledge that we are human. We are not incapable of making mistakes.

There is more benefit and virtue in saying, "Hey, I screwed-up. I'm sorry that I did. Can we move on?" than thinking of all the ways others are attacking you and feeling angry about it and sorry for yourself. There is no use in that. No use at all.

Let us always remember, nothing is ours to keep. Nothing on this earth is. If it was ours for a while, let us give thanks to God for blessing us in that way.

Let us also remember, if bad things happen, we should reflect on what has happened and why it has. Is there anything that I have done or not done that could have caused this? Have I ignored all the warning signs? Have I been deaf and lazy for so long that other people ran out of patience? We get only so many chances before people write us off. That's life. But wait. There isn't a single disaster that God cannot use for His glory and turn into something wonderful.

Let us look at what God has left us with and work with what we have. God loves us equally. We have everything that we need, it all depends on what we choose to do.

Let us plan. Let us follow-through. Let us work hard. Let's be patient. Let us be tough. Let us have a good attitude. Let us persevere. Dear God, help us.

No matter what other people say, just be quiet and do our own work.
-Mother Teresa

After everything bad that I've done, this is what I'd picture a very pissed off God would say to me.

Don't think sorry is easily said
Don't try turning tables instead
You've taken lots of chances before
But I'm not gonna give anymore
Don't ask me
That's how it goes
Cause part of me knows what you're thinking

Don't say words you're gonna regret
Don't let the fire rush to your head
Ive heard the accusation before
And I ain't gonna take any more
Believe me
The sun in your eyes
Made some of the lies worth believing

I am the eye in the sky
Looking at you
I can read your mind
I am the maker of rules
Dealing with fools
I can cheat you blind
And I don't need to see any more
To know that
I can read your mind

Don't leave false illusions behind
Don't cry cause I ain't changing my mind
So find another fool like before
Cause I ain't gonna live anymore believing
Some of the lies while all of the signs are deceiving

I am a Fan of Pretty Things, but...

She said, "I knew it wasn't hers. I mean, who wears jade nowadays???"

He said, " But it sort of oozes attitude when she wears it, though."

She said, " All you need now is a short 1940's perm and mahjong with some ah-sows and you're all set."

Still another said, " It's a good quality jade. You can tell from the colour."

I'm just happy his mother likes me :)

Out with the Old!

It's surprising how a changed person reacts towards things he/she was ok with previously.

First of all, I say all this with no malice or contempt whatsoever. I never knew how messy we all were as a family until I went back home recently.

Suddenly, so many things that never bothered me before irked me terribly. I felt guilty. It seemed I was picking on everyone for the tiniest thing. But I couldn't help it. I felt that a lot of the ways they got about doing things was very inefficient and did not make sense. It seemed no one put any thought into what they were doing at all.

I guess it never bothered me because we all got so comfortable with the struggling caused by the inefficiency. We were so used to the permanent garage and backyard clutter. Permanent because my father always thinks that no matter how useless the piece of junk, there will always be a use for it one day. Throwing things out for him is unthinkable. I guess this is because he came from a poor village family and they were always finding different purposes for used stuff. My mother too. Even though she claims otherwise. She is just as bad.

So you can imagine how the outside of my family house would look like : A cross between a tool shed and a deserted garage sale. Dusty plastic shelves. Rotting pieces of wood in various sizes. A spare tyre. Assorted tools. Three different tool racks, with broken odds and ends. An old baby bathtub carrying broken pots and pans. A cracked, dusty aquarium. Mouldy hose. Empty tins. And other miscellaneous junk.

It has always been like this! Yet it seems as though I'm seeing it all for the first time.

My sister Elette complained that I'm now a "nenek kebayan". That I'm no fun, and that I'm always stressed out. Hardly so. In fact, I'm so happy with the way I am now because I can locate things easily. There's so much peace of mind with everything clean and tidy. Also I never feel burdened with the thought of cleaning a room that looked like it just got hit by a cyclops. It's great!

I do realize that habits do not change overnight. So in order to speed up the habit-forming process, I prepared a list that I would like to share with everybody. I made this specifically for the kitchen since it seems to be the most problematic.

Fridge Rules

1. NO dripping wet items. Always dry off anything you want to put into the fridge. Do not encourage mould.

2. NO leaving leftovers in fridge for more than two nights.

3. NO leaving stuff in the fridge with their boxes on. The boxes serve no purpose at all except to take up valuable space and to make it difficult to access the food item.

4. NO letting things rot in the fridge. The fridge is not a trashcan.

5. NO unnecessary medication. All medicine restricted to top right shelf. This is not a hospital.

6. NO putting ant-infested food into fridge thinking they will immediately die or mysteriously disappear. They are most likely to roam around in the fridge before dying in various corners. Do you really want to mix dead insects with the food you eat???

7. NO leaving food exposed. ie: half consumed 3-in-1 nescafe packets, kuih/cakes, bread, biscuits, packets of sauce from various fastfood outlets. This is because:

i. Fridge-raiders will rummage and knock over the exposed food, causing it to spill, and the culprit to quickly close the fridge, pretending nothing happened. The mess will rot and stink up the fridge.
ii. Exposed food gets comtaminated. Believe it or not, the fridge is not sterile. which leads to...
iii. Exposed food always looks less appealing. Thus, it will not be eaten, and will lead to the "Simultaneous Three Packets of Half-Consumed 3-in-1 Nescafe Packets" Phenomenon.
iv. Exposed food is synonymous to NEP.

8. NO pushing food into far corners of the fridge to make room for more junk. When it feels crowded, look at what does not need to be in there. Visibility is very important. What people cannot see, they cannot eat.

9. NO having the mentality of "It's ok, I'll need this someday." Food is corruptible. What you may not need in a week, you probably do not need at all.

Remarks:

1. There were at least 7 different bags of ikan masin and "bakas". Ironically enough, there were also various types of medicine, both traditional and modern, to bring down blood pressure (???) When questioned, culprit squeaked, "It's not good to eat this every day!" So keep it but don't eat it???

2. There was a bitten apple pushed far back into the dark recesses.

3. There was medicine that dated back to as early as 2003. (!) I was still in school!

4. There was an exposed pineapple-half doing a balancing act on a container smaller than she.

Solutions:

1. There shouldn't 7 of the same (unhealthy) thing. It's more blessed to give than to receive. And a sin to let things go to waste by letting them rot.

2. Lesser things in the fridge mean less work for the fridge. Thus longer fridge-life.

3. See-Through Containers.

4. Label! Label! Label!

5. Not having an overflowing fridge equals a moderate lifestyle. Gluttony is a sin. Buy and eat only what you need. Don't cling on to the memory of having only salt and rice to eat. Let it go.

6. Always clean up whatever little mess you make, be it a spill or stain, immediately. That way, you will never feel overwhelmed at an accumulated mess. Don't be NEP.

7. We are civilized, educated adults. We should not need other people to remind us to clean up after ourselves.

8. A maid is not essential. We just need to be responsible.

9. Remember, we have a baby eating food stored in this fridge. Let’s keep it clean!

That's it. Pardon the long-windedness. I just wanted to get my point across. Being a bona fide slob myself, I know how the mind of a slob works. But as Tia put it, I did a 180. Praise the Lord!

The real secret is, as the bf pointed out to me, is to just immediately deal with mess the second it happens. That way, mess will not accumulate and become overwhelming to clean up. Slobs out there, this is the habit to cultivate. When you practice this for the first time, you will feel unnecessary fatigue. Because you equal cleaning up to something horrible and tiring. It's the mind playing tricks. However, after keeping at it, you will find that you are no longer haunted by Mess, because Mess will be nonexistent.

Having said all this, I love my family with all my heart. They are wonderful people in so many other ways. And no matter how much more anal I become in the future, I've learned to accept that the house my parents live in will always have a man-made tropical forest in the backyard :)

It was good to be home!

Look at the lovely beach treasure my boyfriend got for me from Phuket. He is so sweet. I love him and the shells too!

This is something I can only say here, in this little private virtual space, safe from the ears of my boyfriend. For if he were to hear me say this, I would have to endure hours and hours of lecture and a whole week of subtle hinting and silent chastising.

I still want a car!


That's right. While my boyfriend quietly thinks I've gotten over wanting a car, I still think about it every day. I know I'm not to "covet my neighbour's goods" but still I can't help but sigh with envy when I see my friends with their vivas and myvis and kenaris and vios' that their parents got for them. Not that I expect my parents to buy a car for me. No, that is unthinkable. My parents are not young and I want them to have a comfortable retirement. But still, I wish things were easier...

I was driving my friend's Kenari for a while when I didn't have the Kelisa. She didn't have an extra carpark so she needed some place to leave it since her mom was getting her a brand new Vios. Imagine that. Here I am, glad for any car I can drive, and there she is, refusing to drive a perfectly fine two-year old Kenari because her sister got a brand new car. And not only does she want a new car, she wants a VIOS. Sigh. I felt like slapping her across her spoiled face. But I thought twice, since the Kenari would definitely make getting around easier.

I'm grateful for the Kelisa that a friend is presently lending me. He has another more glamorous car that he uses. Unfortunately he had to take the Kelisa back for a long while when his Rover broke down. And when finally Rover was well again, Kelisa came back to me in a very sick state. Step on the brakes, and you hear the sound of a plane taking off. I'm not kidding. So off she went to the foreman. He was shocked to see how thin the brake discs had gone due to an untreated pair of brake pads. Poor car. She was screaming for help all this while and no one had heeded her cries. "Even F1 drivers don't end up with brake discs like these!" foreman said. I just laughed sheepishly.

Kelisa is four years old, with a very low mileage of 47k. And yet I've seen 20-year old cars in better shape than she. The bill came up to RM340. And that was just to repair the brakes. I only had RM400 on me. I couldn't afford to fix alarm system, the exhaust pipe that had broken in half (causing an underpowered engine and faster fuel consumption. Not good news since the petrol price hike)or the cracked windshield. I'll not mention how the very next day the sound system just crapped out, costing another RM25 to fix the wiring. It was just a temporary solution. I couldn't afford to pay another RM400++ to replace the broken amplifiers.

I can't imagine how this happened since I've really done my best to help poor Kelisa. I had her serviced 3 times during the few months she was with me previously. Changed her tyres. Washed her once a week in the parking lot of my apartment. Removed bird poo the minute it fell on her.

This is what caused me to burst into tears the other day. My bf looked surprised, but he was very understanding. Some of it has to do with the fact that my period was drawing near. But a large part was frustration with work and insufficient funds. The rent that I have to settle by myself every month since my housemate is facing some difficulties. The car, which seemed at first to be a convenience, became another financial burden.

Hence, I try to not drive since driving equals spending money I don't have. But there are instances where driving is unavoidable. It is just that much more convenient. It's really torturous to try calling for a cab, never knowing if there will be one willing to come to my place. I'm really glad that I don't really have to worry about transportation for work since there is someone to pick me up. (This is where my bf makes his point.)

Anyway, I really enjoy driving myself around. I do not have to work my schedule around anyone. I can go whenever and wherever I want. Sadly this is a very expensive comfort. And buying a secondhand, while practical since the value of a brand new car drops 20% the minute you drive it out, is tricky. You have no idea how the previous owner handled it. I don't want to be purchasing a 1994 Wira for 7k and end up paying more in repairs. There's so much I could be doing with that 7k.

Having said all this, I do realize I'm so much more better off than that indian man selling lottery tickets in the by day and washing cars by night. The teenage boy who replaced the gas cylinder. And the countless other people I saw in Thailand the other day, whether they were playing the violin for tips, waiting by the roadside to clean your windshield or dancing on tables. So thank you Lord, for everything you have given me. I do realize a car is a liability. Please let someone give me a car out of the kindness of their hearts. Or at least help me win one of those scratch-and-win things.

I might sound like John Cusack when he played Eddie in America's Sweethearts. But I must say this.

I am grateful for:

1. The presence of God in my life.
2. A loving and supportive family who gave me the values I was brought up with.
3. People I work with who genuinely care for me and are honest.
4. The best boyfriend in the world.
5. The opportunity to do what I really love.

I may be 10 pounds heavier but I am damn blessed!

Ewww

For the first time in my life, not watching what I eat has taken its toll on my body.
I look Evil in the eye as it is disguised as my food.


Where did I go wrong? Was it lack of exercise? Has my metabolic rate slowed down? Was it something I ate??? Did a fat gene get implanted in my DNA? I am 10 pounds above my ideal body weight!

Then again I've never really been athletic all my life. I could eat and sleep all I wanted without ever putting on weight. Now, the only pants I can wear are lycra leggings. Bye-bye sexy jeans. Hello, pants I once could not fit because they were too loose. It really, really sucks. Not to mention how everyone ruins my mood simply by commenting that I look "rounder".

Now I understand those girls who pester their boyfriends with the dreaded "Fat" questions. "Am I fat? Do these pants make me look fat? Do I look fat in this dress? Does my butt look too big in this?" To which my boyfriend says, "Of course not honey. You're beautiful and I love you." When he feels cheeky he might add, "I like that it's no longer a butt but a Boo-tay." Whatever.

Praying for Time

I heard one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard when Carrie Underwood took the stage last night on Idol Gives Back.

I'm not sure why but when I listen to this song, I'm reminded of the personal changes I've been through during the past few years. Many a time I felt the need to consciously force something down my throat because my spirit naturally resisted it. Some people called it "growing up". I guess in many ways it is. But sometimes it makes me wonder if it's a good thing.

In my efforts to be aware, I became paranoid and wary. I intended to be financially savvy, yet I became calculative and selfish. Intending to be shrewd, I became manipulative. When I was told that I shouldn't trust people too easily, I lost faith in them entirely. When I decided that people were two-faced, I hugged everything I had to my chest and stopped looking for the good in people. Then something even worse happened without me even realizing it. Because I always felt I had to protect myself, I lost that child-like faith and trust in God. I became weary and angry.

"So you scream from behind your door
Say whats mine is mine, and not yours
I may have too much
But I'll take my chances because God stopped keeping score
And you cling to the things they sold you
Did you cover your eyes when they told you
That He can't come back
Because He has no children to come back for."

"And its hard to love when theres so much to hate
Hanging on to hope
When there is no hope to speak of
And the wounded skies above say its much too late
Well maybe we should all be praying for time."

I've had The Best of George Michael in my collection for the longest time and I guess I've always skipped that song because I wanted to get to Freedom 90, As and Careless Whisper. But when I listen to it now, I wonder why I never gave it the attention it deserved.

I know how it feels to want to look for the good in something but it is so difficult that it hurts. Jesus taught me to love my neighbor. But it's so hard to love when there's so much to hate. Even though I know that's where the grace of God comes in, and therein lies the opportunity to rise above my ability, I thank George Michael for understanding and addressing my situation. I'm sure if George Michael understood, God would too.

I guess growing up means finding balance in everything.

Of Love

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"How much?"

"Six thousand trillion billion and five million thousand."

"Six thousand trillion billion and five million thousand of what?"

"Of love."

Dear Jesus,

Help me to remember that whatever painful discomfort I may feel now is nothing compared to being nailed on the cross.

If I ask why me, help me to remember how you were sinless when you died for people who hated you.

If I cry at the thought of what the future holds, help me to remember even You wept in Gethsemane.

If I feel afraid and abandoned, help me to remember The Angel God sent as You wept.

If I feel my loved ones aren't doing enough, help me to remember not only were you deserted by your friends, thrice you were denied by the one who claimed to love you most.

If I am tempted to get angry, help me to remember that You forgave those who hurt You unto Your Death.

If the situation seems utterly hopeless, help me to remember that You rose from the Dead.

Ydnic

Today a strange thought came to my mind. I imagined what it would be like if I was the girl in my class who was overweight and awkward. How would it feel to always be stared at disapprovingly and disdainfully? To be considered by the world's standards as "weird"? What must have gone through the mind of this 15-year old who summoned all her courage to brave those stares and sing on stage? I wonder if she really heard the snickers that preceded the cruel joke played on her next? Maybe she desperately wanted to believe the smiles were genuine, and that for once, she felt acceptance.

How she endured 11 years as "The Weirdo" I will never know. It has been 6 years since I last heard from her. I always hoped that God had a secret plan for her. I longed to see the day she would emerge a poised and successful woman.

Imagine the weight in my heart when I recently discovered she had lost her father. Probably the only other person besides her mother who loved and accepted her for the person she was. Memories of him delivering her lunch to the classroom flooded my mind. I'm sure at that time it caused her a great deal of embarrassment and yet another reason for her bullies to tease her. But today even I, a bystander, mourn silently at the thought.

I hope God lets her in on the plan He has for her.

I love you, Bobbi Brown!

As a child, I had always loved drawing. Most of all, I loved drawing faces of women. I loved drawing their lashes, shading their faces and giving them different hairstyles. I would give them different looks, from the Medieval princess to the 1920's Flapper to the new age Goth rockstar. Now, as I obsess over every little detail of makeup I wear or see in magazines, I see why.

For the past 3 years as a working adult and having a job that requires me to look good at all times, I have embraced the magic of makeup. I simply love it. I love experimenting with different shades of color, playing with different brush strokes and comparing results. I also love buying makeup, and one of my favorite brands of all time is definitely Bobbi Brown. Not only are her products very versatile and practical, she has a beauty philosophy that is true for any woman in the world.

1. Always be on time.

2. Look people in the eye.

3. Tell the truth.

4. Don't smoke.

5. Drink lots of water.

6. Exercise.

7. Eat healthy.

8. Read.

9. Be nice.

10. Never give up.

Don't you just love how it is so simple, no-nonsense and straightforward? Advice you've probably heard a million times but how often is it presented in such a concise, clear manner?

No, I am not a makeup artist and neither am I writing an ad for Bobbi Brown. I'm just a satisfied, sincere customer.

P.S. : I also love how all Bobbi Brown makeup brushes are neatly labeled. I hate having to stick little pieces of paper on my very expensive makeup brushes, then having to deal with the sticky adhesive bits later on.

It could all be so simple
but you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
and we both end up with scars

So tell me who i have to be
to get some reciprocity
see no one loves you more than me
and no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
that forces you to act this way

no matter how i think we grow
you always seem to let me know
it's not working
and when i try to walk away
you hurt yourself to make me stay
this is crazy

I keep letting you back in
how can I explain myself?

see tell me who have to be
to get some reciprocity
cuz no one's hurt me more than you
and no one ever will

Thank you, dear Angel Anonymous

That fortune teller was right after all. God does send a great many of His angels to look out for me.

For a long time I was in love
Not only in love, I was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, I'm covered with shells

And all I ever wanted was the simple things, a simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man so I could be a wife

I'm so ashamed, I've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
Like a sick domestic abuser looking for a fight
and all I wanted was the simple things, a simple kind of life

If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again, would I try to make you mine?

I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad

And all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom? a selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things, a simple kind of life

Resurfacing

Because there is confusion
sadness
hurt
helplessness
embarrassment
conflict
fear

i am angry.

The Flower Girl

I guess by now you'd be wondering why the obsession with eggs and flowers. And why do I call myself Flower Girl?

The reason is, all throughout my childhood, I wished that someone would ask me to be their flower girl for their wedding. Whenever my relatives got married, I would cross my fingers and hope they would choose me. But they never did. And my mom, being the typical Asian mother, would make a typical Asian-mother comment like, "That's because you are not pretty enough." Of course she said it very matter-of-factly, in a tone that implied that it was only proper for us to be "humble". And most unfortunately, I believed her. So it was always my other cousins who got their hair and makeup done, wear the frilly white dress and march in with the procession, strewing petals on the aisle. I always prayed to God that He would make me the flower girl just once, but it never happened. I grew up and forgot all about this childish prayer to God, until recently.

Recently, I was appointed as not only The Flower Girl, but The Eggflower Girl! I got to distribute the eggs and flowers at a very large-scale wedding. I got my hair and makeup done by a professional, wore a frilly gold designer dress and marched with the procession. I was even praised for being colour-coordinated with the Page Boy, something I had not planned for.

I had forgotten, but God did not. And when He answers, He answers in abundance. Mt 19:14

Eggflower

It is Lent. Therefore, I've decided to post a very special recipe after which my blog is named. Very timely, as we wait in hopeful anticipation of Easter!

You need:

• small styrofoam egg
• glitter glue/paint
• markers
• tissue paper
• stick

To make:

• Insert one end of the stick into the bottom of the egg.
• Cut out a flower shape from the tissue paper, approximately 5" in diameter.
• Thread the flower shape onto the stick and glue in place at the bottom of the egg.
• Decorate the egg with markers, glitter glue, pom poms, small beads and sequins.
• Place the flower in a small vase or put it in a potted plant for an Easter decoration.

Work of Satan!

A few weeks ago an ex-classmate and I had our fortunes told by this woman who specializes in palmistry, numerology and feng shui. Besides fortune-telling, she also sells clothes, amulets, crystals and supplements.

This was all very out of character for me. For one, I think all this is a hoax. It's not difficult to assess one's character based on eye contact, speech, bodily gestures and mannerisms. Based on that, even logically construct someone's future, figure out his/her past. I told Anik that I could do the same, and the only reason I agreed to go with her was because I wanted to observe her technique. It is Anik's second time, and apparently, what was once FOC, is now $68 per 45-minute session. Plus $40 if you want advice on which colours could bring the most luck (!)

Anik first. She told Anik that she needed to stop picking on her pimples and for goodness' sake stop biting her nails so that they could grow out. And probably then she could get the job at HSBC. The whole time I was thinking, "That was what her mother has been saying since we were in school. " A couple of Anik's bad habits and characteristics. Then came my turn.

As with Anik, she peered closely at my birthdate, then started calculating. She looked at my hands. Then at me. "You have a naughty mind. A very, very naughty mind." Anik and I both laughed. "You seem very collected and calm on the outside, but you often think of doing very outrageous things. And because of your responsible and sensible nature, you often don't act on these thoughts." Hmm. That was kinda true.

She said I am often misunderstood. What I do with good intentions is often misconstrued.

She said I am artistic, and I could be a good architect if I wanted to.

She said I often attract older, married men and butch females. And that it is not my fault.

She said that I have taken a shorter time to grow up as compared to other people.

She said that I have cheated death many times. And apparently this is because my guardian angels have been very protective of me. (Which reminded me of the two times my mother was close to miscarriage while pregnant with me...And how I often had to be hooked up to tubes in the hospital as a toddler, such a sickly child I was...And that time I nearly drowned in my uncle's swimming pool...Yikes.)

She said I was most likely to hook up with a musician or producer.

Yes, I was a little freaked out . But not enough to buy her amulets and pay the additional $40. After it was all over, Anik and I both $68 poorer, had dinner and laughed the whole thing off. Yet my mind still echoed with the things she told me about myself. It must be the Devil's work.

She said career-wise, something major will happen in 2011. I will come to a crossroads where I will have to ultimately decide between my career or settling down. The next few years will be relatively quiet and I just have to stick it out.

Jhudiel

Angele Dei,
qui custos es mei,
me, tibi commissum pietate superna,
illumina, custodi,
rege et guberna.
Amen.

This too Shall Pass

I visited a friend's blog yesterday. A sad violin was playing a piercingly sorrowful piece and, even without understanding what his words meant, I knew perfectly was he was feeling.

Today he explained in full what had happened, and I felt his pain. I understand the pain of loving someone and knowing he feels the same, but having to turn away from your feelings instead. Bury every shared moment and dream. Maim the part of you that is him.

But I am glad that he is finally coming to terms with the feelings he has consciously denied and never really looked in the eye. May God send His angels to sit by his bed give him comfort as he cries his tears, for joy cometh in the morning.

Sandcastles

I witness as they celebrate their love, with light in their eyes and tenderness in their voices. Amidst the haste and chaos and urgent whispers, it is still lovely. I can't help but feel envy, despite the joy.

I do not doubt my love for him. I doubt the timing. Is it correct? I am afraid to pray lest I hear the answer.

I sit like a child on the beach, silently watching, praying to God the tide will not come in and swallow his sandcastle. Maybe I'm just PMS-ing.

The Kiss

and then the light of your face shone over my crumpled life
i understood nothing except the sweetness of your kiss.

Secret Garden

There is a secret garden i hide, too.
With flowers of every kind responding differently to each season

How i long for the warmth of the sun in the summer
and the cheer of the butterflies in spring
as i brave the cold of winter
that Fall did bring

Sometimes With This Moon

sometimes with this moon, and this air and this melancholy
I think of you without meaning to.

i wish i could abandon the million other things that call for my presence and attention

so i could entertain for a while more this stinging in my heart
and let flow the well of tears that my heart drowns in